Have you ever wondered if your partner really listens to you? This can be a fairly common question and one that can cause a lot of conflict in couples. As mental health therapists we have heard this concern or complaint from many people. Without listening there can be no healthy relationship.

But what does it mean to be listened to? Well, if we go to the basics of communications we can see that listening is when one person, the sender, is speaking to another, the receiver, and this other is silent while the other person is speaking. But wait, being silent does not mean we are listening, being silent is only one component. So when I listen, I am silent but at the same time I let the person know with my body language or nonverbal language that I am listening. That’s why you realize someone is listening when they look you in the eye and make nonverbal gestures that let you know they are following you. This is called active listening.

Another important factor in letting another know that you are listening is to use the strategy of mirroring. When you mirror you tell the person in your own words what they just said, including their thoughts and emotions. For example: John said to Ann “My love, I wish we had more time on the weekends to go out, I feel like we don’t have time for each other”. If Ana uses the mirroring strategy she could say, “It sounds like you would like to spend more time together.” In this way Anna let John know that she was listening to him, but that she also understood what he meant.

It is important to emphasize that we don’t always understand our partners, so you can use the clarification strategy. If you didn’t understand or just want to make sure you did understand, you can say something like “I need to know if I understood you correctly, did you mean…?”.

Hopefully these skills will help you show your partner that you are an active listener. If you and your partner are going through a difficult time, don’t hesitate to contact us. Counseling for couples can be very effective.